#depression anxiety lostatsea emotionalabuse mentalabuse

[lifeandliesofanarcissistslo-blog]

You want to know why? The reason she mentally shuts down over the smallest of disagreements. The reason she constantly explains and justifies everything without being asked.  The reason why she is constantly exhausted, ill and pale. The reason she is dismissive, vague and different to how she used to be. It's because when she disagrees with her narcissistic lover, it gets ugly. Its because she is always wrong even when she hasn't done anything. It's because she walks on eggshells, every hour of every day. It's because she's been asked why she is stupid, why she would 'do the things she has done', why she won't do as he asks. It's because she is mentally and emotionally abused and exhausted. It's because she is constantly part of a game, a test, that she can never win. That she is most exhausted when they aren't arguing, when she's not tears, not when she can't understand why he can't see her love and why little mistakes make his eyes radiate hatred. She is most exhausted when he is happy. After she has 'made progress' in making up 'what she has done'. This is when she starts to panic. This is when she has no idea how to keep it this way, her anxiety of not knowing how to be 'normal', not knowing how to continue 'making up' for fear of upsetting him again. This is when she spirals and then he hates her again. The circle never ends.  She is dismissive because other people's problems don't come close to her own. She gets frustrated because she wishes the problems they moan of she would be grateful for in place of her own. She is vague as she can't let you see what's happening, because anything she says he uses against her at some point. She is different because her light is going out. But you know what's the most heartbreaking of all of this ? That she is utterly in love with him. That she still wants to fix what she never meant. Things she knows he has twisted and never happened. Prove things he doesn't believe, even if his lack of belief isn't genuine, just a game to torment her. That she knows when they met, he wasn't perfect but they were great. They can be great. They want the same things in life. That she would do anything for him. The most heartbreaking is that she would give him her heart even if it killed her.